The loss of heaven is the greatest pain in hell

I have watched you from afar far too many times that I could not count them as the sands that have now clung to my feet. I’ve seen you filled with different kinds of emotions: happy, sad, angry, perplexed, excited, agitated, fearful or maybe dejected; I’ve seen far more, but today it was different.

You had been sitting on that bench for hours now; when I got up this morning you were already there. Four hours had passed since I asked you to come over and have some breakfast with me, yet you sat there like some old statue savoring the chilly air as it lashes on your face. Your eyes were looking at something far across the seas – far beyond what my eyes could reach – or maybe you were just staring at nothing, to the nothingness that had engulfed us for weeks.

I know you are hurting; so am I. Those eyes have shown how far you have gone, and I want to follow. I wish for the tears to fall from your eyes, for then I could cry with you and maybe comfort you; but you have that hardened look now of resolve.

Your head moved! You turned your gaze at me, which made me stiffen at the spot I had occupied while watching over you. Our eyes met and you gave me a slight smile; yet your eyes were still hallowed. I walked over and took a spot on the same bench you had conquered, and you turned your gaze back to the seas, back to the nothingness. We sat there in silence, you looking beyond and me looking at you.

“There’s nothing interesting on my face, you know,” you suddenly uttered, and I heard your half-hearted giggle.

I did not dare contradict you and merely let out a snigger. I couldn’t dare say the words – the words that were lodged in my throat for months. Words that show how I feel; a feeling that I have tried to deny every time I see you with him. I wanted them to remain unrequited for I know you belong to him. I am but a friend, who knows you too well and would die for you.

“He asked me to marry him before it happened,” you told me almost whispering.

“I know,” I replied. “He told me what he was about to do. I’m happy for you both. Did you know that?” I added.

“Are you, really?”

I swallowed some air for you caught me again. You can read my mind; you’re my voice of reason for Pete’s sake!

“I’m sorry. It could have been a nice wedding,” I said.

You locked your eyes on mine and your stony face began to crumble. The tears I so long wanted to see trickled down your face. The waters you tried to stifle with the walls you had painstakingly erected to surround you broke free and came raging like the stormy seas.

Pour them all out to me; let me gobble up all our pain and bear them all. I’ll willingly carry them on my broken back just so long that you could find that happiness all over again. For you are the earth I walk on; the air I breathe; the drop of water on my dried up lips. You are my life.