The happily ever after

I just bought another Roald Dahl work, Revolting Rhymes. Actually, the contents of this book can be found in some areas of the net, but there’s nothing like owning the real thing; besides, this way I get to help the author earn some more (like he needs my few bucks!). I’m just doing my share of keeping the publishing industry up and going.

It is a collection of poems, re-telling the story of six classic fairy tales: Cinderella, Snow White, The Three Little Pigs, Jack and the Beanstalk, Little Red Riding Hood, and Goldilocks and the Three Bears. They are humorous for jaded adults; but be wary in sharing it with little tykes (let them hear the original first.)

We all know the story of Cinderella by heart. However, have you ever thought that what we have heard could be sanitized? Here are the first lines:

I guess you think you know this story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
Just to keep the children happy.

So now what really happened in this story? There was a ball, she still got ugly stepsisters, the fairy godmother, and when she danced with the Prince, she rubbed herself against his ‘manly chest’. I bet she even squeezed his tush. So the clock struck twelve, Cinderella left with a torn dress and lost one of her slipper. The Prince then vowed to marry the girl the slipper fits. Unfortunately he left it on a crate of beer and one of the stepsisters threw it in the loo and replaces it with her own big, stinky shoes. The following day that it was brought to their house for fitting, ugly stepsister triumphantly showed that it fits her nicely. Flabbergasted at the state of things, the Prince whacks her head off and so as the other stepsister’s.

My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!
How could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun?
The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?
'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'

The Magic Fairy saved her life with another wish: she married a jam-maker and sells good home-made marmalade. So how did it end?

Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy ever after.

Now that’s a better story.